the Deepster's Dizziness

Exploits in art….

Stealing my dreams


I got the idea for this spread from a reading in the United Christian Broadcasters’ booklet ‘Word for Today’, which on the 5th, 6th and 7th of February were about ‘Living Fearlessly’.

When you’re training an elephant, you control it by controlling its thinking. You put a rope around the elephant’s leg, nail it to the ground, and it learns that it can’t go any further than that. Even once the elephant has grown up, and is strong enough to break the rope and escape, it thinks it can’t so it doesn’t try.

The booklet describes how the elephant’s fear can prevent it from breaking free.  Perhaps subconsciously that’s how I feel.

I’m afraid of failing in my artwork.  If I’m afraid of failing in my artwork, it can prevent me from actually trying.

Live Fearlessly

Live Fearlessly

I don’t always value my art, and feel over-awed when people say nice things about stuff I’ve done.

I’m still not in love with the four canvases I did last year, inspired by the seasons.

When I did a course in collage at the Mary Ward Centre, I did a piece of work that took me forever. People really raved about it, but in my mind I was just thinking they were talking pants.  Even now, when I think back to that stuff, there’s nothing about it that I remember.

When I did art at the Marie Curie, there is nothing now that stands out to me about what I did. I can’t recall anything.

Maybe that’s just me.  My carer Mary-Ann says that I’m mean to myself in a way that I’d never dream of being mean about anyone else. Or their work, or their talent. I don’t feel like I have any talent.

There are some things I did craft-wise that I can say- “ooh, that’s good, I’m really pleased with that. That was a really good idea.”

I’ve always separated ‘craft’ from ‘art’. I never thought of myself as ‘artistic’, I still don’t. I can’t do art by myself. The only reason I can do these journal spreads is because my carers are my ‘hands’.  Maybe that’s why I don’t value the work I’ve done.

In this ‘fearless’ spread, there’s something about the composition that I’m not happy with.  But it did satisfy me that I did it all in blue. People have said that if I paint all in blue, does it mean I’m really sad? No, not consciously. But maybe I need to speak to my therapist about that!

When I think about this spread, I think about how I got to where I am now. When I was a teenager, I wanted to train in journalism. But I got kicked out of college for not going to lectures. Then I got kicked out of the house. When I got kicked out of the house, I went to live with Sam and Jenny, and got into youth work. I did it for 18 years, got a degree in Informal and Community Education, but then I couldn’t do it anymore because the MS had developed.

MS steals things.  It stops me from achieving the things I used to be able to do independently. But if it wasn’t for the MS, I wouldn’t have got involved with art or craft in the first place.

I can do these art projects, but only with help and support.  I need to remember that that doesn’t make my art any less valuable, or any less personal.

I should grab the opportunities for art by the horns.

I need to complete the various programmes that I’ve signed up for and prove to myself that I can do this.

The people around me see me as an artist. Maybe I need to embrace that, despite the fear.

posted under Artiness, Life

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